Yes, a person is deceitfully trapped. Interesting that your caption “Would someone please tell her to stop smiling and make a run for it?” is almost exactly what me entire family has been telling my sister for years. And it’s what everyone who can see through the guile says. The hard part is getting her 1) to see through his guile when he’s convinced her we are the liars and she cut us off , and 2) to get her to admit she’s been abusing us for a decade in order to promote him in our community they had to destroy our reputation (we are the whistleblowers) and 3) get her to finally give up her false pride in a “long, beautiful” public marriage that has been an enslavement and psychological torture of her, the kids and all of us. Back when she spoke with us, counselors told us “just tell her you love her and your house is open to her.” Bad advice. She exploited us completely for his benefit until we had nothing left, weakened us totally, and would barely be able to help her anymore (exactly what he wanted). Better advice would have been to teach her all about what coercive control looks like in marriage.
I am so very sorry you and your family have to go through this! It is such a heartbreak for all of you.
Have you checked out Steve Hassan’s suggestions for how to help get someone out? He makes a lot of valuable suggestions having to do with being friendly, yes, because if you don’t have contact, you can’t do anything to help the person see their way clear to leaving. But his approach has to do with asking the person under coercive control questions that can lead to their seeing through the falsity of their abuser. In other words, they have to see it for themself. That’s the only thing that will work, and the best we can do is help them toward that realization without forcing it on them, which is counterproductive, unfortunately. That was what got Steve Hassan out of the Moonies. He is on Substack at Cults, Culture & Coercion, and has a great podcast by that name as well. He also has a website, Freedom of Mind. He has been doing this work for about 50 years and has a huge amount of knowledge and is very dedicated to helping people in this field.
Again, I truly sympathize with your daunting struggle, and hope you can all have a happy outcome.❤
Yes. It made things worse. Being friendly to her and her husband made them take complete advantage of us, take over our whole church and community and town, and spread smear campaigns on us (while we had no idea and we were still helping them get a leg up with free babysitting, family meals, sharing homes). I’ve since learned that the spouse of a sociopath can take on sociopathic actions themselves, kind of like Stockholm syndrome. It’s awful. We’re totally isolated now and our kids have no future here - while she thrives in the community of all our old relationships, with their lies. She gets him all kinds of speaking engagements at our church. I don’t think being nice helped at all. I wish we’d known earlier that the victim could become an abuser themselves to anyone who does not bow down to anything the original abuser wants.
Brilliant, Donna! Yes, we must shift the “self-responsibility.”I’m still working on that, but the more I understand about grooming and conditioning, the more grace I’m able to give myself.
Thank you, Kelsey, and so well said. It is an ongoing process to undo this harm and all the others they imposed on us, and at least we're now free to engage in that process.
Thank you, Merrill; I truly appreciate your interest.
And about my smile, yes, I do look very happy there, don’t I? And just like my very feminine hairstyle you see here, too - required as part of the proof that Aesthetic Realism had (supposedly) turned me straight - looking happy was a requirement. We would get criticism if we didn’t appear grateful and joyful to be engaged in the work to have the greatest body of knowledge in the history of humankind known to the world. I’m glad that now, after my escape, I get to be genuine about who I am and what I feel, including what makes me smile.
Yes, you are so right, James. All of us human beings are imperfect, and we make mistakes we regret, so any decent, honest person is working toward self-forgiveness. I hope knowing about my journey in that direction helps others on theirs. God bless you, too.
It’s like the opposite of narcissism where the person can’t accept any blame at all.
The cult leader is the narcissist and the followers are empaths who go the opposite way and are manipulated to take on all the blame perhaps as a way to aggrandise the narcissist - as if all of it was feeding him and his wound/sickness.
As long as we do not free ourselves from this pattern of mind it might repeat in our personal relationships too.
To exit is more than just leaving the cult. I feel we need to return to our soul Selves so that we trust ourselves and our feelings and do not get swayed by manipulations.
A cult experience is a unique push to find out who we really are inside - perhaps more than if we had just lived normal lives.
Yes, a person is deceitfully trapped. Interesting that your caption “Would someone please tell her to stop smiling and make a run for it?” is almost exactly what me entire family has been telling my sister for years. And it’s what everyone who can see through the guile says. The hard part is getting her 1) to see through his guile when he’s convinced her we are the liars and she cut us off , and 2) to get her to admit she’s been abusing us for a decade in order to promote him in our community they had to destroy our reputation (we are the whistleblowers) and 3) get her to finally give up her false pride in a “long, beautiful” public marriage that has been an enslavement and psychological torture of her, the kids and all of us. Back when she spoke with us, counselors told us “just tell her you love her and your house is open to her.” Bad advice. She exploited us completely for his benefit until we had nothing left, weakened us totally, and would barely be able to help her anymore (exactly what he wanted). Better advice would have been to teach her all about what coercive control looks like in marriage.
I am so very sorry you and your family have to go through this! It is such a heartbreak for all of you.
Have you checked out Steve Hassan’s suggestions for how to help get someone out? He makes a lot of valuable suggestions having to do with being friendly, yes, because if you don’t have contact, you can’t do anything to help the person see their way clear to leaving. But his approach has to do with asking the person under coercive control questions that can lead to their seeing through the falsity of their abuser. In other words, they have to see it for themself. That’s the only thing that will work, and the best we can do is help them toward that realization without forcing it on them, which is counterproductive, unfortunately. That was what got Steve Hassan out of the Moonies. He is on Substack at Cults, Culture & Coercion, and has a great podcast by that name as well. He also has a website, Freedom of Mind. He has been doing this work for about 50 years and has a huge amount of knowledge and is very dedicated to helping people in this field.
Again, I truly sympathize with your daunting struggle, and hope you can all have a happy outcome.❤
Yes. It made things worse. Being friendly to her and her husband made them take complete advantage of us, take over our whole church and community and town, and spread smear campaigns on us (while we had no idea and we were still helping them get a leg up with free babysitting, family meals, sharing homes). I’ve since learned that the spouse of a sociopath can take on sociopathic actions themselves, kind of like Stockholm syndrome. It’s awful. We’re totally isolated now and our kids have no future here - while she thrives in the community of all our old relationships, with their lies. She gets him all kinds of speaking engagements at our church. I don’t think being nice helped at all. I wish we’d known earlier that the victim could become an abuser themselves to anyone who does not bow down to anything the original abuser wants.
Unfortunately, the victims usually become the abusers in coercive control situations. I hope yoiu find effective help with your family's situation.
Oh wow. I wish counselors had told us that (as the family of origin) rather than convincing us to become the next victim!
Brilliant, Donna! Yes, we must shift the “self-responsibility.”I’m still working on that, but the more I understand about grooming and conditioning, the more grace I’m able to give myself.
Thank you, Kelsey, and so well said. It is an ongoing process to undo this harm and all the others they imposed on us, and at least we're now free to engage in that process.
I think you NAILED it with this one. I could see the avenue that is used, to get persons to condemn themselves.
Thank you so much, Ida, for letting me know I made the point clear. That is important!
Enlightened yet again Donna. Always looking forward to the next selection and your insights.
And as an OBTW I loved your smile.
Thank you, Merrill; I truly appreciate your interest.
And about my smile, yes, I do look very happy there, don’t I? And just like my very feminine hairstyle you see here, too - required as part of the proof that Aesthetic Realism had (supposedly) turned me straight - looking happy was a requirement. We would get criticism if we didn’t appear grateful and joyful to be engaged in the work to have the greatest body of knowledge in the history of humankind known to the world. I’m glad that now, after my escape, I get to be genuine about who I am and what I feel, including what makes me smile.
What makes a woman smile has always been one of man’s great puzzles. I’m still working on it but I believe it’s tied to the truth in some fashion.
Blessings and healing Donna.
Thank you so much, Dana! I wish the same for you in all your challenges.
Self forgiveness is the lesson. It’s a daily constant chore. God bless you.
Yes, you are so right, James. All of us human beings are imperfect, and we make mistakes we regret, so any decent, honest person is working toward self-forgiveness. I hope knowing about my journey in that direction helps others on theirs. God bless you, too.
It’s like the opposite of narcissism where the person can’t accept any blame at all.
The cult leader is the narcissist and the followers are empaths who go the opposite way and are manipulated to take on all the blame perhaps as a way to aggrandise the narcissist - as if all of it was feeding him and his wound/sickness.
As long as we do not free ourselves from this pattern of mind it might repeat in our personal relationships too.
To exit is more than just leaving the cult. I feel we need to return to our soul Selves so that we trust ourselves and our feelings and do not get swayed by manipulations.
A cult experience is a unique push to find out who we really are inside - perhaps more than if we had just lived normal lives.
You've made a lot of valuable observations here. Thank you!